You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part.
-- Tom Petty
Only four days left in the wait to know whether Kathy's pregnant, and I'm stressed. At least, I assume the whole pregnancy thing is what's keeping me from sleeping at night -- I've had one semi-decent night of sleep in the last five (good part -- I have an excuse if this post is incoherent). My stomach was giving me grief yesterday, and while it's better today, it still doesn't feel 100%.
So what about the process is making me stressed? I don't think it has to do with the lack of control -- I think it's the not knowing. While I have a preference on the outcome, I just want to know. Will our lives be childless, and we can move forward in that direction? Or will we be expecting parenthood, with the reality attendant to that situation? The course our lives will take as the result of this result will be altered so much relative to most ordinary "what ifs." And it's scary, the realization that (forgive the clichés you're about to read) our lives are on the edge of something new, an end of one journey and the start of a new one (though we don't know which one).
If it turns out Kathy is pregnant, the next question will be how many? And the uncertainty tied to that will stay with me for another few weeks until that question can be answered. And then the health issues would follow. And then something else followed by something else. I need to learn how to deal with this, because if she is pregnant, I've got a lot of uncertainty headed my way.
In the meantime, I've got another four days, four more miserable days (thought hopefully four less miserable nights). And speaking of miserable, I'm sure the weather hasn't been helping my state of mind. What the heck is going on with the Augustian weather in mid-June? We skipped the upper 70s and low 80s, jumping straight into the dog days. It's pretty much touched 90 for the past five days, most of those days have had sweat-by-opening-the-door humidity, and today was the hottest yet -- they even closed schools early because of the heat. It's supposed to be a bit cooler tomorrow, and significantly so Thursday and Friday.
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's all right
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights.