Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Counting Down

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part.
-- Tom Petty

Only four days left in the wait to know whether Kathy's pregnant, and I'm stressed. At least, I assume the whole pregnancy thing is what's keeping me from sleeping at night -- I've had one semi-decent night of sleep in the last five (good part -- I have an excuse if this post is incoherent). My stomach was giving me grief yesterday, and while it's better today, it still doesn't feel 100%.

So what about the process is making me stressed? I don't think it has to do with the lack of control -- I think it's the not knowing. While I have a preference on the outcome, I just want to know. Will our lives be childless, and we can move forward in that direction? Or will we be expecting parenthood, with the reality attendant to that situation? The course our lives will take as the result of this result will be altered so much relative to most ordinary "what ifs." And it's scary, the realization that (forgive the clichés you're about to read) our lives are on the edge of something new, an end of one journey and the start of a new one (though we don't know which one).

If it turns out Kathy is pregnant, the next question will be how many? And the uncertainty tied to that will stay with me for another few weeks until that question can be answered. And then the health issues would follow. And then something else followed by something else. I need to learn how to deal with this, because if she is pregnant, I've got a lot of uncertainty headed my way.

In the meantime, I've got another four days, four more miserable days (thought hopefully four less miserable nights). And speaking of miserable, I'm sure the weather hasn't been helping my state of mind. What the heck is going on with the Augustian weather in mid-June? We skipped the upper 70s and low 80s, jumping straight into the dog days. It's pretty much touched 90 for the past five days, most of those days have had sweat-by-opening-the-door humidity, and today was the hottest yet -- they even closed schools early because of the heat. It's supposed to be a bit cooler tomorrow, and significantly so Thursday and Friday.

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's all right
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights.
-- Travis


jeff said...

and if she is pregnant, keeping my fingers crossed, wait until all the parentasl worrying that starts after the little one(s) are born!

LoryKC said...

A wise man once said, "Don't Worry, Be Happy!"

I haven't been sleeping well either and I don't have so much uncertainty so I can't complain. However, maybe we should synchronize our watches now, go to bed early and tomorrow we'll see who actually fell asleep first or slept longest! (The competition could motivate us to just give up go to sleep!)

Sorry about the weather. We had very similar weather a week or so ago. Then came the rains! (We got the normal average for the month of June in about four days last week!) It cooled things down a little though so maybe it's headed your way!

Sweet Dreams!

Debbie said...

This not sleeping business and tummy problems must be catchy!! Stress is not a good thing, and with work problems it seems never ending. Maybe we'll all sleep better soon. My fingers are still crossed Aaron for a positive result.

aaron said...

Thanks for the positive vibes everyone -- I slept pretty well last night. Lory and Deb, please get some sleep too!

Debbie said...

Just for your info, I slept 10 hours straight last night. I feel much better today and I'm off to work in a couple of hours. Hopefully the work situation won't set me off again.