Tuesday, August 02, 2005

50 or so Days

Last night, after exiting at Union Station and beginning my walk across Capitol Hill to home, I soon passed the French restaurant where we ate dinner with S & G, our friends also doing IVF, in mid-June. I couldn't help but think of the good spirit and cameraderie that was in abundance that night, and everything that's happened since.

"So you had the embryo transfer last Friday?"
"No, we had the egg retrieval on Friday, the transfer was Monday."
"Oh, ok."
"And you have your retrieval on Monday?"
"Yes, G has to give me the trigger shot on Saturday night at 10:30."

"Hi G, it's Aaron -- Kathy's pregnant -- now it's your turn!"
"That's great! Congratulations!"
"How's S? How'd the transfer go?"
"It went well.
S is sleeping right now, she's been pretty worn out since the transfer yesterday."

"The good news is that S is pregnant. The bad news is that she's having a reaction to the meds -- they're making her ovaries swell to several times their normal size. It shouldn't hurt the pregnancy, but she's in a lot of pain right now."

"S and G got to see the embryo's heartbeat!"
"She's behind us by over a week. How come she got to do that already?"
"She had to go in for a sonogram because of her ovaries, so they got to see the embryo while they were checking on S."

"S, it's Aaron. There's no heartbeat."
"Are they sure?"
"Yes, they're sure."
"That's not acceptable. That's just not acceptable."

"I'm supposed to do lunch with S tomorrow."
"Are you ok with going?"
"I think so. I'm happy for her, but I'm trying not to think about the miscarriage until we go to Europe. I'm nervous about how I'll feel talking to her."

"Aaron, S had a miscarriage!"

I want to go back to that dinner in June, to capture the moment, its twinkle and its glow, the positive vibes and hopefulness. Even if both couples are successful down the road, however, I know that the mood from that evening is irretrievable. I never knew that a loss of innocence could happen in one's 30s or 40s.


Debbie D said...

I wish I could twitch my nose and make everything better for you. Life is such a rollercoaster, ups and downs.

Both my family doctor and his wife and my surgeon and his wife were expecting babies the middle of June. I've never met either of the wives, but both of these gentlemen are about your age (just under 40). And just for some background info, I adore each of these doctors, they've both been fantastic with me. My surgeon and his wife had a healthy baby girl on a Monday in June and the following Friday my family doctor and his wife had a stillbirth baby girl. From elation to despair on hearing the news.

Just know Aaron, that I adore you too, and I just wish things were different than the way they've turned out to be.

Love you dear friend.

LoryKC said...

Hopefully some time away will help ease some of the pain.

As Debbie has already said, I wish I knew how to make it better for you. We are thinking of you both.

Todd said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
KZ the Turtlegirl said...

Aaron and Kathy,

I wrote something about the heady days of pregnancy before all comes crashing down about a month ago here . You are definately not alone in missing the days of innocence.

It's not easy. I'm sorry.