Monday, July 18, 2005

Miscellaneous, Melancholy Musings and Mutterings

But first, a haiku:

Awesome, glorious,
Heartless, random, cruel, vicious,
Beautiful Nature.

Says a man who used artificial insemination to bring about pregnancy in the first place.

Some people reach out to us and say kind and comforting things, others are at such a loss for words that their' tongues might as well be cut off. We've both been so appreciative of the first group, more than we thought possible.

The hardest part for Kathy has been having a lifeless embryo inside her -- the mind knows it's dead, but the body still gives her all the symptoms of pregnancy.

An August trip to Copenhagen and London could still lie in my future, and Kathy's as well.

As part of the post-transfer treatment, Kathy had been taking supplemental progesterone. With the bad news, she stopped taking it, and now she really misses it -- she finds that it kept her calm and composed. For her at least, prozac has nothing on progesterone (not that she's tried the former).

A number of friends have been more angry at our loss than we have, under some sort of "it isn't fair" mentality. I don't believe life is fair -- what did I do to win the birth lottery versus a child born into a life of malnourishment and disease who dies before age 10?

I want this to work out, I want resolution, I want Kathy to be happy.

A small silver lining --Kathy will be able to enjoy beer and sushi in Portland this weekend.

Tomorrow afternoon Kathy will have the surgery to remove the embryo.


ducky said...

aaron, i'm so sorry for your and kathy's travails. may the beer and sushi and fine portland weather go a little ways to help brighten your summer.

wish i had put my own portland trip on the backburner for a week. it would have been nice to have a drink.


Mary P. said...

Today's surgery day. I hope all goes well. I'll be thinking of you both this afternoon.

KZ the Turtlegirl said...

I will be thiunking of Kathy, and you, today.

Having also suffered a "missed miscarriage," my heart goes out to you two even more. I carried my dead child for three more weeks after learning she died. Worse than all the awful things people said... or didn't say... was how unkind I was to myself.

There are times in life where mind and heart don't speak to each other. This is definately one of those times.

They can be very cruel to each other.

Wishing you peace and kindness,


Todd said...

Oddly, sushi always makes me happy as well.

Should you both ever want to break for the Northern border and come visit for a weekend, a week, whatever - let us know. Our house is open to visitors.

It takes 10 minutes to stock the fridge with beer; and only 1 minute for a hug.

You're welcome anytime...

Love Todd & Lori

Q said...

Your "life is not fair" analysis is a good reminder, Aaron. You have much to be grateful for, even if you don't have a baby on the way.

I'm sure you know this, but don't try to rationalize your emotions away entirely. You're going through the grieving process. People don't always understand this ? that failed pregnancies and many smaller kinds of loss trigger grief, just like the death of a loved one.

My experience with grief (having lost a brother and a sister) is that it's a bit of a roller coaster ride. You can't control it; some days, you can only hold on tight and experience the ride.