Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Darkest Time of The Year

The time that it takes to make a baby
Can be the time it takes to make a cup of tea.
-- Billy Bragg
Two more birth announcements in the past two weeks. Earlier this week there was another pregnancy announcement, on top of the four we already knew about. Truly I'm happy for these people, these friends of ours. But I can't help but also feel a little jealous. Some of them have had to go through trials of their own (as well as misfortune) to get pregnant, but for others it seemed as easy as falling out of bed. I want a happy ending. Not that I'm entitled to it, no one is, but still it's what I want. We'll try with our two remaining embryos early next year, but I can't say that I feel optimistic. Maybe I should be, given that we got pregnant last time, but five years of trying without success leaves me feeling pretty pessimistic.

Sigh. Most of the time I'm ok, but work has me down and this has me down, and the holiday blahs are in full swing. I have little desire to be with people socially in this the most social of all seasons. Kathy's doing better about the whole baby thing, so maybe it's hitting me now because I'm finally allowing myself the time.
Excuse me
I'm not the man I used to be
Someone else crept in, again
I want to be alone
-- Peter Gabriel